ur blood inspires me (sueños de un amor inexistente)

hoy te volvi a besar,
volvi a probar tus labios que ensangrientan los mios de pasion,
sentir tus mordidas, probar tu saliva es conocer el amor
te quiero y me inspiras, me duele en lo mas profundo,
obscuro y humedo de mi ser sentir todo esto
amarte, probar las mieles de tu cuerpo y saber que no me perteneces,
que esto es solo un juego
un juego sádico en el que nos amamos
en el que nos odiamos y nos hacemos daño
eres el oasis en el desierto de mi cuerpo
tengo sed de tí, te deseo

eres así... tan tu, seco y dulce
tierno e irónico... tan niño y tan hombre
algo me hiciste, aun no se que es
pero desde que te conozco te quiero, te deseo
no dejo de pensar en ti
y espero el momento de hacerte mio
de sentir tu cuerpo junto al mío
sin despertar y ver que todo fue un sueño

me gusta pensar que solo yo te conozco así
que de tu harem soy la única que te prueba
que disfrutas y que deseas.
anoche soñé contigo, fue diferente, fue triste
desperté enojada, con ganas de matarla
la vi, besándote, sintiéndote
sentí coraje, impotencia... fue todo tan real
la tocabas como me tocas a mí...
y a diferencia de como me tratas a mí, con desprecio
a ella le hablabas dulcemente...
te odie x 3 segundos, desperté y me di cuenta que era un sueño
pero la seguí odiando unos minutos mas
te adoro, me encantas y no eres mío
que voy a hacer?
seguiré probando tus mieles en tiempos lejanos
disfrutaré tu cuerpo para luego extrañarte de nuevo.

Sigur Rós

forty eight hour travesy

it all started someday in april when someone told me there was a webpage anouncing the possibility of sigur rós coming to mexico, i was like "no way, i gotta go" so, time was running and there was no further information @ the official sigur rós page, and time kept on running and then... finally, it was official, there were 3 dates for sigur rós in mexico, first, guadalajara (the place where i was born and where my soul belongs to) on june 5, tepoztlan morelos on june 7 and tijuana on june 8... so i thought the whole time about guadalajara, so i could be on the first tour date in mexico and at the same time be in the place where i belong, where i feel more comfortable breathing...

time passed by... and i had money issues... so i was frustrated by the idea of not going to the concert... didn't know what to do... couldnt do anything at all... but... on the night of june 4... i got impulsive so i told a friend of mine (who loves sigur rós too) to go... with nothing just $1000 and a lot of courage... that we will see what we can do but first we needed to be there... so we did... it was 10.30 pm... when i left home... i ran away just like that, i didnt ask for permission from my parents, nor have enough money, but i just had the nerves to do it, i tried not to think about how crazy this was, because then i will hessitate too much, and i surtainly didn't want to go back...

so, i started driving since 10.30 pm... i passed by my friends house to pick him up... he got $1200, and i got $480, my cell phone and my nintendo ds... so i could sell both of them to get money... because... we had no tickets, we had no place to stay, nor a lot of money... so i figured it out that i would have to get my tickets from re-sale... and a little more expensive...

so, it was 11.30 pm and we were heading our way to guadalajara.... at 3 am... i kind of got lost in the way, but still, with not sleep at all i just took 30 minutes when my eyes started shutting down... so i wouldn't lose time but at the same time reduce the risk of driving tired...

it was 10 am when we arrived to guadalajara, and after drivng and driving, i was hungry and tired... but still couldn't stop untill i have those tickets in my hands... so, we started searching for the places where tickets were sold... but suddendly, i had a little car crash... i hit a volkswaggen... it was a small hit, but still, i had to pay for it... so... now, we didnt have enough money not even for the normal price of the ticket... but we kept on searching for tickets... and i was upset, and sad, and i dont know, i had a lot of feelings, because tickets were sold out so i was stressed and angry and upset, had lots of feelings like those... so... after some times of desperation... we decided to go to the place where all the magic was going to happen... "zapopum"... we arrived there at 2.00 pm and there were some sigur rós fans making line... so... we decided that my friend will stay there lining up and i will go search for a place where i could sell my cell phone... so i went there and sold it... so that if the ticket prices were higher we could afford them... and i went back to zapopum, to the line... and suddendly... a guy came to us telling us he had extra tickets, and if we wanted to buy some from him... just to be sure we get original and not fake we checked them up and yup, there were original... and so we bought them and realized that our mission was completed... although i hadn't had any sleep and felt like crap because of that and hunger... i still was excited while i was watching all those guys and girls waiting for the gates to open... and the fan club taking pictures and being pictured... while i was just lying on the street, trying to get some energy... and wondering myself "why cant i talk to him, and just tell him how much being here means for me, and all that i've gone trought to be here... but nop, i had no courage... i though he wasnt going to listen to me... so i continued on lying on the floor...

finally... they opened the gates... we could get in... and all lined up, girls and boy separated, i felt like getting into jail or an "old school" school... and then is when i started running... yup... running towards the scenarium, so i could get a nice spot in the front... at this time... i hadn't sleept for about 36 hours... and drove 16 STRAIGHT, so i was starting to feel pretty bad... i got dizzy and i honestly thought i was going to have a black out... so i tell the boy by myside to save my spot, i'd be back, and i went to get some sugar (that means i bought a coke) but that wasnt helping me... it was very late, and we didnt know until when the concert was going to start...

and then... the opening band came out... and they really surprised me, i had no idea who they were, but i really enjoyed them... but still didnt feel great and was hoping i didnt have to leave the place because of how i felt at the moment, and then... they went down, and i realized that sigur rós will soon be with me....

and then.... magically... i just... i closed my eyes, and let the tears fall down... i let them flow... while i was listening jónsi's voice... and how my soul melted with "untitled 1"... i just couldnt believe it... i was standing there... sleepless, with my batteries all charged... in front of them.... it was... it was surreal... beautiful, it was just perfect, how the wind was blowing... everything was just perfect... the whole universe aligned to make this happen, to make this one life time experience...
and those who were lucky enough to be there, wether we liked or knew sigur rós or not... this concert changed our minds, our souls... nobody will ever be the same... u just... look at things differently... feel differently, it is impossible to not become a better soul by listening to sigur rós...

and then.... became hoppipolla.... it was... just... i cant describe it... i close my eyes and imagine all things back again... it is all coming back to me... i have no more words to describe how i feel, how i felt, and how it affected my life... it is just so heavenly...

it was close to midnight, when the band said good bye... i was in ecstasy... couldnt talk, couldnt walk, i was just, thrilled... but we started screaming for more... we wanted one last song, one last good bye... and there they came... with a song just perfect to close the concert... and then it was the final good bye...
i couldnt understand how could i be so close to them, but at the very same time so far away... i just wish i could had the opportunity to tell them how they touched me, how i appreciate life better, how i would live all this over just to be close to them... they just gave me back a lot of things that i had lost... self love, confidence in people, the willing to be a better person... i wish i could change my surround, change the world, just like they changed mine...
i had lived so many things... some good, some bad, and some worst, but i always take the possitive out of things... so i always keep on learning, keep on growing... and now... now i've grown A LOT!

for some people (who obviously have no idea of what sigur rós is about) tell me "oh, it's just a concert, don't get to intense on it" and i just go speachless... because, if they werent there they wont understand how strong and emotional a sigur rós concert is... i mean... befor june 5 i had no idea either... i thought i'd fall in love, maybe cry with hoppipolla and untitled 1, and have a great experience that's all, it never crossed my mind i would improve who i am... what i feel... i feel stronger, more beautiful, better, cleaner, and i'd die trying to change the world...

so... it was 1 am and instead of heading home and drive again, for 10-12 hours straigth we decided to get some sleep, i just couldnt drive right after all this emotions and feelings crawling through my sking, so we found the cheapes motel... $190, for 12 hours, and automatically we took it, i couldnt be awake anymore, we got some sleep, and at 10 am we headed to find some food, i wanted "tortas ahogadas" so we searched them... i was still ecstatic about the night before... it was just, amazing to be able to experience this, i mean, if i dye right now, i'm going straight to heave, because i just listened to angels' music... (i know it sounds cheesy, but it is what it is... there wont EVER be a concert where i can experience all my senses like i did with sigur rós... and if i could have gone to tepoztlan to listen to them i would have... but my friend had to come back home, and i wouldnt get a lot of money for selling the "nintendo ds" so, i figured it out that i couldnt make it happen...

when we were coming back... we got lost again... :S apparently i missunderstood a cross on the road and we lost again 2 hours... and when we were about 100 km from my hometown the car started to fail... it was making noises and starting to shut down... so i started to freak out... i coulndt do that... i mean... i had no permission from my parents, i had the best 2 hours of my life and i couldnt afford a new gas bomb for my car... as we kept on advancing it was getting worst... so i mannaged to keeping it working... and we arrived to torreon (my hometown) but as we entered the city... the car totally stoped working...i couldnt turn it on at all... so we pushed it over, and took a taxi to my home, and my friend to mine... i talk to my parents (3 in the morning) so we called to get a crane to get the car home, because the place where we left it is a place where a bridge is getting built... so, police department could take it with no problem, because it shouldnt be there... and just in time, the crane came, and while they were pulling my car up... a bulldozer was coming toward us... so... it all happen when it was meant to be...

now on... i listen to music and nothing is the same... there's nothing compared to listen to sigur rós.... and if it's live, it's so much better...
my whole life has changed... so... if u read this someday... i just wanted to say THANK YOU!!!
thank you for giving me new perspectives, new feelings, emotions i had inside me that i didnt know they existed, or i didnt want to... i dont know, but thanks for existing in my life, in my universe...

thanks for being sigur rós... "la rosa de la victoria"

takk a einhver fjöldi í gegnum einkakennari fyrir þykja leitt , þakka þú í gegnum vera til á minn lítill alheimur og taka burt með þú a hluti af mig

Caroll Sánchez

..::: ilusiones ensangrentadas del amor ke no existió :::..

Ayer... ayer fue un dia importante... UNICO e irrepetible, ayer por primera vez, despues de una decada de espera, tuve oportunidad de estar en el concierto de SODA STEREO, y los vi, los sentí, y se kedarondentro de mi ser. Así como ellos se llevan una parte de mi ser, de mi cuerpo, de mi existir. Gustavo Cerati, Zeta Bosio y Charly Alberty, cada uno a su manera me hicieron volver a sentir, volver a vivir...
viajé cientos de kilometros, gasté $3000, anduve sola en el metro... extrañé a mi gente... todo... x 3 horas, unicas e irrepetibles, 3 horas de mi vida, ke jamás olvidaré...
3 horas de compartir, de verlos, de escucharlos, de sentirlos, 10 años de espera volvería a repetir, x otras 3 horas de llanto, de grito, de empujones, de sensaciones, adrenalina, sonrizas, saltos... 3 horas de sueños utópicos... xq el 15 de noviembre del 2007 para mí jamas existió... no hay pruebas... veo mi boleto y no lo puedo creer, siento el dolor de mis pies yh me parece increible que todo es por SODA STEREO!

No recuerdo el orden de las canciones... abrieron con JUEGOS DE SEDUCCIóN... "Voi a ser tu mayordomo, y vos harás el rol, de señora bien... o puedo ser tu VIOLADOR la imaginacion, esta nocheeee todo lo puedeee" Uff.... no, despues, vino hombre al agua... despues de un par de canciones no tan orgasmicas, vinieron la ciudad de la furia, un millon de años luz (casí al final [del 1er final de 3]) de pronto... se empezó a escuchar ZOOM y no... es ahpi cuando rompí en llanto... con el palpitar de mi corazon al ritmo del beat de alberti... gritando, llorando y cantandocomo jamas...
Así fue, x al rededor d 2 horas, cuando se despidieron (con música ligera) donde digeron solo gracias... todos esperabamos Gracias TotaleS... pero no vino... así, quedamos insatisfechos, gritabamos, y cantabamos, coreabamos que volvieran (yo, seguia con hambre de Soda, aunque ya había tenido mi mega orgasmo con mis hits, ZOOM, SIGNOS, JUEGOS DE SEDUCCIÓN, PERSIANA AMERICANA y TRATAME SUAVEMENTE) pero me faltaban algunas... Así, despues de como 15 minutos de espera, VOLVIERON, tocaron la cupula, picnic en el 4to B entre otras y así, se volvieron a ir... yo, aun insatisfecha, seguiamos gritando, que volveiran, aun kedaba vibra i energía para rato... así.,.. logramos ke volvieran...cantaron otras 5 canciones, entre ellas, sale el sol (con la ke mezclarons fracciones de HERE COMES THE SUN) y así, huyeron again...

gritos i mas gritos... euforia i mas euforía,,, así, soda volvio!!! si, cumplieron " ME VERAS VOLVER" así los vivolver 3 veces... en esta ocacion cantaron te hacen falta vitaminas, rola con la que me puse hasta la madreeeeeee, gritando i cantando a lo estupido, ah.... minutos antes había conocido a aleks... mientras SODA cantaba Zona de Esperanzas... SNIF!!!! (lloré con esa rolita, xq habla de que al final siempre hay recompensa en la zona de esperanzas) así, conocí al monito este, super lindo, con sus lentes geek ya saben? haha nonono, el tipo cantando conmigo dandome d su cheve, super al pedoooo, hahaah mientras me comentaba su sopresa a ver a una mona tan "chavita como yo" tan entregada con un grupo ke teknikamente no me tokó tanto... nonono, el tipo estaba anonadado con mi entrega hahaha, pero bueno, intercambiamos cel i msn i así, i kedamos en kontaktarnos... así... Soda sTereo Acabó...

pero el dia de hoy vuelvo a tener la esperanza que tuve hace 10 años... desde que gustavo dijo "México, me veras volver"... as´pi, seguire esperando a volverlos a ver y a tener dentro de mi, una vez mas, así hsata el fin de los tiempos, pero seé ke en la vida ke sigua seguiré amando a soda stereo i ellos a mi, i tendré entonces oportunidad de conocerlos, de tenerlos i de compartirles todo lo que ellos me han compartido a mi a travez de estos años por medio de su musica, de su voz, de su guitarra, de su bajo, de su armonica, de su beat... de cada movimiento, cada nota, cada palabra

******************************************************************************

esta noche obscura de luces enrojecidas y prolongado temblor, le escribo a alguien mas pensando en ti, buscando justifiacr lo que comienzo a sentir, a pensar...
El, es alguien ke me hace reir, alguien deferente a ti, a mi, no se si es el personaje qu algun dia escribí en mi historia, talvez ha cobrado vida, pero aparecio de igual manera, así, derepente en algun lugar dentro de mi cotidianeidad.
pasamos horas riendo, hablando, conversando de nuestras relaciones pasadas, nuestras experiencias, nuestra familia... hemos comenzado a compartir de todo...

y el... el como yo, es hijo de mi madre, es mi hermano, llevamos la misma sangre, el mismo amor, el mismo dolor... puedo compartir con el todo, pues me entiende, caminamos el mismo sendero obscuro iluminado solamente por la bella, inalcanzable y lejana luna... nuestra luna... es extraño compartirla, pero juntos compartimos el mismo dolor y nos podemos ocnsolar, extrañarla y añorarla juntos...

no quiero arruinar esto viendo falsas seña,les, haciendome falsas ilusiones, talvez solo estamos destinados a ser hermanitos, y a compartir a l a misma madre, talves solo eso funcionaría entre nosotros, no lo se, y creo que no quiero saber, creo dejaré ke el tiempo mismo sea quien diga lo que yo no me atrevo a preguntar, ke responda las preguntas ke no me atrevo a hacer, dejaré que sea el tiempo quien, por primera vez, decida algo en mi vida, dejaré ke todo tome su andar, su posicion, su tiempo y espacio...


Hoy, la limpiexza de mi mente, mi alma y mi corazon... ya no veo un camino obscuro y difuminado, hoy, hoy todo es mas claro, volteo hacia atras y solo veo gotas de sangre, grandes y frescas sobre un camino terroso y obscuro, pero las gotas de mi sangre dejan de caer aqui, justo donde estoy parada, dejan de caer hoy, hoy que soy libre de nuevo, hoy que recuperé mi cabeza, mi corazon, hoy que mis alas tienen voluntada para volver a emprender el vuelo, porque aunque rotas u lastimadas, como mi alma, aun me dan mi libertad, libertad que yo misma había cortado.. Ahora, soy yo quien decíde curarlas, quien decide que quiero y que puedo volver a vividr, dejar de permanecer estatica y avanzar, deseo tanto volver a tropezar.... volver a sangrar, abrir nuevas heridas, quiero volver a experimentar, escribir en mi cuerpo y en mi alma nuevas historias... nuevos tatuajes en todo mi ser...

siempre me ha gustado arriesgarme, sufrir, pero ahora, ahora estoy mas ke dispuesta, quiero hacerlo mas que nunca, quiero buskar, encontrar, perder, y seguir buscando, por el largo, o talvez corto sendero dque la vida tiene para mi.

hoy... esperando con las alas escondidas tras la blusa y las esperanzas guardadaes en la mochila, parto a un viejo rumbo, al unico lugar que conozco, del que pretendo ser, en el que pretenden atraparme, robar mi libertad, pero eso, eso no se repetirá, jamas volveré a guardar mis alas, ahora las usaré, i volaré tan lejos como pueda, tan cerca como quiera...

viendo gente ir y venir, mientras tomo un café, una cocacola y como lentamente una fracción de pie de queso, veo ilusiones, esperanzas, corazones rotos, veo tanto de mi en todos estos rostros, que, instintivamente se que ven de mi en ellos y de ellos en mi, en todas estas personas, que, ahora que me voy, se que dejo en ellos un pdeazo de mi ser, u pedazo d mi alma, porque todos compartimos esta conciencia colectiva, que pocas veces nos damos cuenta...

sentada mientras espero continuar con mi sendero, pienso en ti, pero me pregunto ¿xq es que no dejo depoensar en ti, en tus ojos, tu cabello, esa sonrisa?

me imagino, me pregunto si tu peinsas en mi como yo en ti, si tu tambipén me extrañas, siento como si te necesitara... pero comoo???
como es eso posible... ahora?

si apenas te conozco... "se todo de tu vida y sin embargo no conozco ni un detalle de ti"....
hemos conversado solo un par de veces, y ya me conoces tando, sin embargo tu eres para mi un enimga, un acertijo que quiero descubrir, pero a la vez, no me gustaría perder lo que ya tengo contigo, en tan corto tiempo ¿ xq me atraes tanto?
sooi totalmente instintiva, i normalmente no c uestiono mi instinto, pero esta vez, esta vez es diferente, esta vez me gustaría comprender mi instinto, no limitarlo con raciocinio, sino entender como esta trbajando, y ke es lo ke me pasa contigo...

me gusta k m gustas, i kiero kererte, pero preferíria tener razones para sentir todo eso, ke pasa?
habrá algo entre nosotros?
kisiera saber k piensas, k sientes, kekieres, te pasa lo mismo ke ami? la verdad lo dudo

kiero tener razones para ilusionarme, damelas, dame razones para sentir esto ke ya estoi sintiendo

no se la hora, no se el dia, solo se ke permanezco inmovil en algun punto en el cosmos, solo se ke mi energía permanece naranja, alerta, viva, ya no es roja ni amarilla, se ha mezclado... y el negro... el negro se ha desvanecido, creando un pekeño punto de luz, creciendo como una pekeña estrella, como una nueva esperanza.

la noche ya no me parece tan obscura, el vacío ya no es vacío, ahora te tiene a ti solo espero que
poco a poco, a travez de la distancia y los años luz que nos separan no estes avanzando hacia el hoyo negro, el hoyo negro del olvido, el hoyo negro del adios, pues entonces tendrpe ke buskar
buskaré entonces alguien mas ke llene, este vacío de tu amor, el vacío de ti, que nunca fuiste mio
el vacio de esto que nunca existió...

¿pero ke me pasa? me inspiras todo esto... ¿tan rapido? esto no esta bien...

tengo miedo... estoi asustada... ha pasado tan corto i tan poco tiempo, ke ya no se ke pensar, ya no se ke sentir, kisiera atreverme a preguntarte si acaso te pasa lo mismo, pero no quiero, tengo demasíado miedo, miedo de perderte, me agradas demasiado, creo que se nota, se han levantado ahora sospechas
demonios, ya no puedo esconderlo mas; hasta te escribo.
¿porque? de verdad que no lo entiendo, como es posible que tu me hayas inspirado todo esto
sin siquiera saberlo...

como?

...

Hoy permanezco más volátil que de costumbre. Mi mente piensa 350mil cosas diferentes, sin embargo no logreo acentar ninguna

Mi cuerpo y mi mente carecen de conexión uno con otro, no logro avanzar ni hacer nada, solo estoy así, estatica, vegetativa y no logro entender por que? por que estoy tan inmovil, por que no mejor sigo con mis pendientes, o ya al menos por que no sigo procrastinando? nisiquiera eso! solo me quedo así, viendo la pantalla, con la cabeza recargada hacia mi lado izquierdo, talvez derecho, oyendo música, nisiquiera escuchandola, y esperando que alguien, solo alguien me hable x msn! y sigo sentada... esperando... ¿qué es lo que esta pasando conmigo? Es acaso que mi vida ya es más estatica, mas... "estable" espero no, amo mi innestabilidad emocional, fisica, mental incluso espiritual...

Esta semana decidí no hacer tarea de semiotica... no me siento inspirada... es la primera vez que me siento ASI!, tampoco estoy lijando mi estupida moto, aunque tengo dandole un buen! tampoco estoy con mi diseño web! ya me tiene harta....

Solo quiero estar así! viendo la tele, recostada en tu cuerpo, viendo cualquier estupidez, siendo esto solo un pretexto para tenerte a mi lado, abrazados...

pero ¿a quién carajo le estoy hablando? es acaso al viento? al perro? al gato? no lo sé! solo se que te quiero a mi lado... talvez no te conozco aún, talvez te conocí y te dejé ir, o tu a mí, la verdad no lo se, no tengo certeza alguna, pero si no te he conocido, te pregunto ¿Donde carajo te has metidooo? me tienes muy abandonada! veen, acercate, dame un beso! y dime que todo estará bien

Fitche: "el YO es la unica realidad existente, pues no hay mas objetos que aquellos de los cuales tenemos conciencia. TU eres tu propio Objeto"

"Crear significa aproximarse a su verdad, a la ultima dimensión del ser"

Wholeness hole

i am sorry if this space seems kind of forgotten or lonely to you! but this is just a place where I write when my mind and my soul tell me to, because here is where i wanna release everything that i am thinking, feeling and even holding on to.

i have not been having time to write my stuff, because college takes all my time away from me...

last tuesday i had an experience that, i MUST had had enjoyed, but I didn't... AT ALL xD
But, what gives me comfort is that I've learn so much from it... because... in 3 words: I was objectualized... and it was a hurtful experience, but what does not kill me makes me strong doesn't it? =)

So... lately i have been thinking about it... about objectualization of people, of products, of services, and it is something that we all humans use to do A LOT! we don't see a person anymore, we just see in which way we can use them, and depending of the performance of the person, and of the results, we get to think wheter we're using him/her again... and i think it's kind of sad we "people" have stopped beeing nice to others, and stopped wanting to getting involved with someone, we just wanna have sex, or have fun, or whatever is the use we want to give to those people... that's what makes me wonder, then, where are we going? or where is it gonna stop?... we're just like robots to each others, i use you, you use me, we use each other, and then, i drop you into the trash... that's not good...
we have lots of aspects for which we worth it... but, why can not we see them?
i have just one answer (let me know if you have another one), it is because we don't want to
it's because it is easier to use and to get used, than getting involved, than risking our feelings, because then, we get vulnerable, so that we can get hurt, and nobody likes to get hurt... true?

but i might say... i am walking on the other side of the road... i kind of like getting hurt, knowing that i am giving always my best, my 100% and it is quite painful, but i still think it worths it, because i can not be happy with myself without giving all my effort, without trying my best... i think that's just the way i am, and, eventhough i have been pretty hurt, i don't get use to the pain, and it doesn't hurt less (just the way it happens to other people), nop, in my case it hurts so much, but i always know that i'm getting through it, because i always do, no mather what happened, i always see the light, sometimes early, sometime it lasts, but at least i see it...

i guess i am trying to reach happyness through pain... and here is where it comes again the frase "pain is love", "love is violent", "if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't count", and i have tons of frases like those... i think all feelings are attached to their... "opposite" love to hate, sadness to happyness, etc... because... even if you think one is lack of the other... like vacuum! i think it is vacuum of something ¿isn't it? ... so it is a need... an unsatisfied need...


in that case...
i might be unsatisfied...

lOve is eVil

"lOve is viOlent, lOve is eVil"
those are words from a well known post-modern philosopher: Slajov Zizek... I hadn't known about him 'till a teacher showed us some videos of Zizek on youtube, and eventhough i was having a hard time understanding what he was saying, because of his sloveninan pronunciation... i understood some "key words"...
i am a monster / i'm not human
i hate the world / i hate people
love is violent / love is evil
love is picking up someone and put all your attention to him (her)
i hate the word love...

and those words i repeated to myself so many times, 'cos it is hard for me to understand, and to really believe that somebody else (who is famous) thinks the way i do...

someone who has these true beliefs too, is Marilyn Manson, who i'd always like, because of his music & the art he creates, but, he's well known by being... how can i say?... maybe, commercial? yep...

but, after a while (4 years) of absence (since "golden age of grotesque"), now he has his brand new record (Eat me, drink me), i got VERY surprised! because... in this record, he stopped doing covers (as far as i know) :P, and he wrote all the songs after suffering a sentimental rupture with his now ex-wife Dita Von Teese, and after wishing to commit a suicide... he was truly broken hearted (title of his first single)... so... in this record, he expresses his "violent love" and how suicide is a way to express it...

i don't know how to express well myself here... but this is something i believe in very hard... love as a way to suicide, as a way to inflict pain to yourself and maybe the other, love as a way to hate, hate as a way to love...


all this dualism that life itself is about... the dualism that most people says is kind of contrary, kind of adverse, but i don't think that way... i must say that black/white, hate/love, day/night ... they're not really opposites, they are complements of each other, it is the next step, or the thing that balances... we cannot live in a world just white, or just night... nop, we must have the black to value the white, it is balance itself... like ying yang...






and at the end... it all starts where it ended.



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